That is the question.
I fucking LOOOOVE misunderstading stuff in English class. it's AWESOME...
in other news. I am moving tomorrow. can't believe that I havn't told you guys that before. it's been like a major part of what's going on in my head at the moment and in the previous half year or something like that. Anyway, tomorrow it all happens. this is the last time im going to bed in my childhood house. im really gonna miss this place. you know, I've had my lifes up's and down's here. im gonna miss it so bad. this has been my home. this is where I learned to walk and talk. I got to know my family and friends. where i got my first pet and where I've spent so many hours being both glad and sad. I've been so happy that, flying out of the window wouldn't seem like a strange thing to do, and I've been so sad that i cannot possibly put it down in words and just wated to give up and leave it all behind.
I love this place. it has been my safe haven. the only place where i've been able to just close my door and be alone. no one would disturb me, couse they would know that i needed to be alone. but this, i will take with me to my new home. i wish i coul bring my neighbours with me. i love the people on this street. it's gonna be so weird when Børge is no longer right next door, and the anual street party is coming up every late summer.
this house knows me, my personality and my secrets. I've 'told' my house everything. I have no secrets. no wonder im gonna miss it. this has been a big part of me for twenty years.I had expected to come and visit my old parents here in like, 30 years, or something. but now they are divorced and it's not gonna happen. my dad's props not ever gonna live in this stupid country again. i can't help getting a little mad. I mean, i don't blame my dad, it's not that. im fine with what have happened, I just, well, didn't see it coming.
what's done is done, and what's happened has happened. there's nothing I, you or anyone can do about it. on the other hand, i REALLY like Linda. she's like a best friend to me. and she would NEVER try to be my second mother. we can talk about everything.
- seriously. it's pretty hard to write this as two cat's are fighting with my blanket and my computer is flying around like a mad bird or something. haha. I love my cats. they are unconditionally my best friends. it doesn't matter what i say to them, if we fight (If i have to clean them !!!) or whatever. they will forgive me the second i give them food, or play with them for two seconds. my favoritte kind of friends haha. Unconditional love and friendship.
back to the subject. I will miss this place like i would miss my right arm. this place is a part of me, a part of who i am and have been my entire life. no wonder i have problems sleeping and concentrating. i more or less can't concentrate on the same thing in more than two minutes. it's actually scaring the crap outta me. i hate not being in total control of my own feelings and actions, that why drinking while on anti depressive scared the living piss out of me. seriously, if you ever end up on anti depressive medicine, which is NOT a defeat, it actually works, so if the doctor tells you that it would be a good idea, just do it, there's nothing to be ashamed of. if i can do it, so can you. but if you are ever on anti depressive medicine, don't drink too. it's scary. as you already know, the alcohol makes you loose the controle of what you do when, your actions. but the pills, they take away your feelings and emotions. that might sound cool to you. sometimes it would be nice if you could just turn of your emotions, just for a few days or something. but when you are in it, you miss feeling. you are sick of the dead numbness. you can't feel anything. in the end you miss crying. it is not possible. your entire family might die, and you wont be able to cry for them. the pills work, you do not feel depressed, but you just don't feel anything. everything you are is a empty shell. if you drink at the same time you are somewhere burried deep inside your empty shell, not controling your emotions, your feelings or your actions. you just exsist, not for eny specific purpose or anything, you are, just to be.
I really don't wanna end this blog, cause it's like finishing a book. not just a chapter. a chapter i could just continue in the next one, but finishing a book is more 100% now-it's-over ish. and I really don't want it to be over. this is my last blog from Lærkevej 29. i don't know what'll happen to the house and the place after im gone, but i don't think im ever going to stop thinking about it. this place will be in my heart forever. i love it and it has been the perfect place to grow up. i could have lived my entire life here.
Christ it's hard to write an ending. I hate goodbyes. i am so bad at it. i suck at partings. im gonna miss everything about this place so much.
im just gonna make it a clean cut
Goodbye Lærkevej 29, thank you for the great 20 years. i'll miss you like hell and heaven. i will remember you forever, you have made me who i am. i hope you will remember us too, cause we too have changed you and made you what you are.
xoxo - Shine.
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